Is Enmeshment Abuse?

Understanding The Boundaries of Non-Physical Covert Incest

If you are here to learn more about, “Is enmeshment abuse”, it is quite possible you are at a difficult place in your life.

You may be trying to rediscover who you are, and figure out how to move forward. Let’s be clear about this core fact: emotional abuse takes many forms and it can be just as damaging as the physical version. And yes, enmeshment can be a form of emotional abuse.

But this is not the full story. Our article below will fully unpack what enmeshed relationships look like and how they can be untangled.

And remember, seeking emotional support in the form of mental health treatment at Icarus Recovery Center is only a confidential call away if any our our resource is triggering, or if you just want to know what support options look like.

What is Enmeshment and What is Enmeshment Abuse?

At the core, enmeshment is about blurred boundaries in a relationship between two people. In some cases, the boundaries between their individual identities disappear entirely.

This relationship pattern is typically rooted in unhealthy emotional dependence and a lack of autonomy.

Once a relationship is fully enmeshed, it’s hard, or even impossible, for one person to function independently of the other.

In some ways, that can sound like a solid, close relationship between two people who love each other, but it’s quite unhealthy in practice. Underneath the surface, enmeshed relationships are about control rather than genuine support.

What is the Link Between Enmeshment and Covert Incest?

The traditional definition of enmeshment doesn’t involve any type of sexual abuse. With that said, it can still cross personal boundaries in a way that is deeply inappropriate.

The term covert incest stems from how enmeshment is used by parents and winds up creating childhood emotional trauma as a result.

Covert incest occurs when a parent uses their child to fulfill an emotional void that should be filled by another adult instead. In other words, the personal interests of the parent are being put ahead of the needs of the child, and family dynamics are negatively impacted as a result.

How Does Covert Incest Abuse Occur? A Few Examples

There are plenty of different ways in which covert incest can play out in the real world. For instance, a parent may confide in their child about adult issues like romantic problems or infidelity.

Or, they may use this family enmeshment as a way to deal with emotional struggles. Enmeshed families feature people who lean too heavily on other family members for support that would traditionally come from somewhere else.

This emotional incest is harmful because it forces a child to take on the role of a surrogate partner. They are not equipped to handle this role, nor should they have to take it on. The child should be free to achieve personal growth and attend to their own personal needs.

Instead, the child starts to see their role in life as having to meet their parents’ emotional needs, and mental health issues are sure to arise later from this arrangement.

Is Enmeshment a Form of Abuse?

In a word, yes. Enmeshment can absolutely be a form of abuse in some cases. When one person experiences enmeshment trauma because their autonomy and sense of self are violated regularly, this situation can certainly be considered abusive.

Such relationships are going down a negative path, especially if any of the signs below are present.

Not Allowed to Make Choices

One of the classic signs of enmeshment abuse is not feeling like it is okay to make independent choices. Even if you are kind of making decisions on your own, those choices might be colored by the emotional backlash you know you will face.

If you are always worried in the back of your head about the choices you make and what impact they will have on your enmeshed relationships, that’s a troubling sign.

Feelings Are Dismissed

Your feelings should always be seen as valid by those around you. If that isn’t the case, and your feelings or perspectives are always being dismissed, that’s another indication of enmeshment. It’s often the case in these kinds of relationships that the needs of another party will replace or override the needs of your own.

Feeling Responsible for Another’s Mood

In life, it isn’t up to you to make other people feel happy. Sure, you can enjoy doing nice things for people you love, but ultimately, those individuals are responsible for themselves and their mood.

Unfortunately, people with enmeshed family members feel the responsibility that comes with trying to make others happy from day to day.

Attempts to Set Boundaries Are Resisted

At some point, you likely have realized that your relationship isn’t healthy, and you may have tried to set boundaries to change things moving forward. However, difficulty setting boundaries is another part of this puzzle. Often, the other family members in this equation will fight back against new boundaries, trying to keep things as connected and intertwined as possible.

So, what will happen if you try to set those boundaries? Anger is one possible response. The other person may simply lose their temper at the idea of drawing clear boundaries. Or, they might resort to guilt tripping, or withdrawing affection.

In some family relationships, these responses will be subtle. In others, they will be direct. Either way, you’ll be left to feel like you don’t love your family members if you don’t continue to go along with the same pattern.

How Enmeshment Develops

As with so many issues that impact adulthood, it’s often unresolved childhood trauma that comes back to cause problems in the present day. For example, a parent who felt emotionally neglected as a child might unconsciously use their own child to fill that void.

Since the parent didn’t have a close relationship with their parent, they wind up building a connection with their own child that is actually too close to be healthy. This can lead to a diminished sense of self, and lowered self-worth, for the child. The enmeshed parent didn’t even have negative intentions, but it winds up in a place of relationship abuse.

Single Parent Enmeshment

Another way this type of relationship can develop is in the case of a single parent. When one parent is absent, whether it is due to divorce, death, or even addiction, the remaining parent might wind up using the child for too much companionship and emotional stability.

Again in a case like this, the intentions are not bad. On the surface, it can seem like nothing more than a tight relationship between a parent and a child. But the enmeshment can make it hard for the child to pursue personal goals, or simply feel like they have the personal space needed to explore their own interests and build their life.

If you have been through such trauma and don’t feel like you have any personal autonomy, it’s going to take some time and effort to repair the harm that has been done.

What are the Long-Term Effects of Enmeshed Relationships?

Enmeshment has lasting impacts. Understanding enmeshment trauma means understanding what it has done to your life, and what it continues to bring to your life day after day. Let’s look closer at some of the effects that many people will experience in this situation.

Chronic Guilt

This is a big one. You have been informally trained that it isn’t okay to say “no” or to assert your independence. So, when you do decide to say “no” or try to put your foot down on certain things, guilt is soon to follow. That means that maintaining relationships is emotionally draining, as even when you do your own thing, that choice comes with baggage that you shouldn’t have to carry.

Codependent Behaviors

Pretty much every other relationship in your life will be colored in some way by the enmeshed relationship that you may have experienced in the past. Even if it was years ago, it can still leave you prone to codependency, where you take on a caretaker role in a situation where it isn’t necessary.

This is just how you understand family cohesion, and it’s the attachment style you are familiar with. Part of the healing journey is going to be finding a way to have relationships without codependency entering the picture.

Difficulty Trusting Others

You have experienced a complex trauma and may have anxiety disorders as a result. That means you could have trouble trusting others, always expecting to be rejected or let down in some way.

These intense feelings of wanting to avoid exposing yourself to hurt can get in the way of developing strong friendships or romantic connections that are healthy and mutually supportive.

Low Self Esteem

Many people who have been in dysfunctional families don’t have the self-esteem that they would have otherwise. The developmental trauma gets in the way of feeling good about who they are and what they can do.

Don’t overlook the importance of this factor if you are trying to move past enmeshment. It may take some time to learn how to love yourself and feel good about who you are.

How to Begin Healing

Recovery starts with awareness. Recognizing that you were part of an enmeshed dynamic is the first step, and you can move forward from that point.

Set Boundaries

This is where it all starts. You simply have to be able to say “no” with confidence and without guilt. It will surely feel uncomfortable at first, and you may be confronted about it, but boundaries are absolutely essential.

Build Your Sense of Self

Many survivors of enmeshment struggle to explain what they like to do in life, or what they want to get out of life. Going into therapy can help you develop this sense and start to build it more completely.

Develop Supportive Relationships

Gradually, with plenty of hard work, you will start to feel more and more capable of having supportive relationships in your life.

You should work toward surrounding yourself with people who respect your boundaries and actively encourage your independence.

Maintain Healthy Boundaries With Support from Icarus Recovery

It’s difficult to deal with issues like enmeshment on your own. If you feel like you are struggling to remember who you are, and if your family relationships are more harmful than they are healthy, it’s time to get help.

Reach out now to the team at Icarus Recovery Center in New Mexico to talk about your situation and learn more about the available treatment options. You might be struggling to find and maintain healthy relationships now, but it doesn’t have to be that way forever.

From romantic relationships to connections with other family members, there is a path forward that involves always remembering and respecting who you are. We’d love to help you walk that path, so call us confidentially today.