Relationships in Early Recovery

A Personal Account of Considering Relationships in Early Sobriety

My life has been a rollercoaster and in recovery, although it’s improved, I still have ups and downs (like everyone does I suppose).

But let’s be clear: the decision to get clean and overcome substance abuse is a life-changing situation. It is an emotional experience and it takes a lot of work to maintain sobriety. If you are clean and sober, especially if you are in early recovery, you know the reality.

Still, even amid all these challenges, we often ask ourselves, ‘What about relationships in early recovery?”

After I first got clean through support at Icarus Behavioral Health, the idea of getting into a new romantic relationship was terrifying. Every relationship I have had in my life was co-dependent and revolved around drug and alcohol abuse.

Keep reading for more of my own story, and get details on healthy relationships in addiction recovery, and whether they are good idea in the early going.

The Challenge Of Being Newly Sober

Getting sober is an uphill battle. More often than not, people relapse and fall back into their old ways during their early recovery. There is a reason we use the term recovery when it comes to getting clean off of drugs and alcohol. When you get clean, your physical and mental health need to be overhauled.

It’s a complete life change, and you need to fix all of the damage that your addiction has caused. It can take months or years.

Not many people get sober and don’t have to put in any work. It’s a constant struggle, but thankfully for me, I have a good attitude because of my time at Icarus.

To make a long story short, recovery can be scary. It can be uncomfortable.

And relationships are the same way. You are opening yourself up to vulnerability. Healthy relationships can only exist if your emotional health is in a good place. Still afraid of developing healthy relationships in sobriety? Keep reading to learn the correct approach to take.

Beginning Your Recovery Journey

In my case, I drank and drugged for over twenty years, and I went hard. Alcohol abuse was my biggest issue, but I wasn’t opposed to ‘dabbling’ with other drugs as well. I had a chaotic upbringing.

Both of my parents were alcoholics and fought constantly. They had a classic toxic relationship. They eventually got divorced and spoke badly of each other whenever they had the opportunity.

I have learned that this is part of what formed my initial view of relationships. I assumed all relationships were this way. The idea of healthy relationships was completely foreign to me.

Because of my upbringing, I never developed healthy coping skills or life skills for any of my issues either. I had a lot of anger growing up and never dealt with it in a way that would make it any better.

When Relationships Revolve Around Addiction

By the time I started dating and getting into romantic relationships, I had no idea what the correct approach was. My first serious relationships didn’t last long. There was nothing but fighting, finger-pointing, and constant drama.

Whenever I would get a new romantic partner, I would quickly become possessive. I had little self-esteem and was constantly afraid of them leaving me. I never trusted anyone.

Because I lacked trust, it affected my personal growth and the way that I reacted in almost every situation. I would fall into jealous thinking. I’ve been lied to and cheated on multiple times. I always thought there was something wrong with the other person.

Little did I know, the people you surround yourself with say a lot about you.

How Unhealthy Relationships Fuel Your Addiction

My relationships always revolved around drinking and drug abuse. I wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone if they didn’t have the same vices as me. When you have two people trying to co-exist in a fog of drunkenness, there will only be issues.

Relationships aren’t supposed to be difficult early on. All the difficult stuff comes later. For me, every relationship I got into would be full of drama right from the beginning.

The shine of a new relationship never lasted long for me. I had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, so I was unable to have a healthy relationship with anybody.

Even my friendships revolved around drinking. When intoxication is the only thing that matters to you, it’s hard to be present or emotionally available for anyone.

Do Romantic Relationships In Early Recovery Work?

When I finally got clean, the first few relationships I got into were disasters. I was always a co-dependent person, and I was terrified of being alone. My biggest fear has always been that I will end up alone and no one will ever love me. Because of this, I always looked for other people to fill the voids that existed in my life.

Here’s the simple truth: You will never be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else if you don’t love yourself.

I’ve seen so many friends make the mistake of jumping into a new relationship just because they don’t want to be alone. I’ve never known this to work.

Romantic relationships require work, in the same way that recovery from drug and alcohol abuse requires work. This is why it is difficult to enter relationships in early recovery. It’s very hard to be there for someone when you are still learning how to be there for yourself.

Why Healthy Boundaries Are Important

If you find yourself dating in early recovery, taking it slow is the best possible choice you can make. There are already plenty of obstacles to overcome during the early recovery process.

Trying to juggle your sobriety while building the foundation of a new romantic relationship is tough for anybody.

It’s different for everyone, too. Perhaps there are some people who can jump into a new relationship during early recovery, but in my personal experience, it doesn’t work that well. When I attempted to date during my early recovery, it was just too much for me to handle.

When I finally realized that I needed to take some time to work on myself first, it was one of the best decisions I made, and it kept me clean.

How Co-Dependent Relationships Threaten Your Well-Being

When I first got sober and began going to support groups, I met a girl who was also newly sober. We clicked right away, and perhaps if we had met at a different time it could have worked.

We tried to date, but it immediately got tense. She suffered a relapse and I tried to give her a second chance. I felt that I could be a good example and help her.

The stress of this hit me like a ton of bricks and made me almost slip up. I began fantasizing about drinking and trying to convince myself that I could handle it.

All of us alcoholics go through that. We try and barter with ourselves. We think we can have that one drink and not get out of control. Your mind really can be your worst enemy during the early recovery period.

Don’t Gamble With Your Recovery

I ultimately ended the relationship and felt awful about it for several weeks. However, I didn’t pick up my old habits. I was determined to get rid of all distractions and focus on my sobriety. Although I felt bad for the person I was dating, I knew it was the best possible situation for us both.

I knew I was going to face significant challenges during my early sobriety, but I stuck to my guns and worked my way through it.

Recovery groups make all the difference. When you have a support system, and a group of fellow addicts helping to work you through your issues, it goes a long way. I didn’t start dating for over a year after this previous relationship failed. I made my recovery the most important thing, and I put in the work.

Building Healthy Relationships Following Recovery

The way that I look at it, I will always be in recovery. Sobriety is an ongoing process. It’s not like you get to a point where you are ‘cured’. In my experience, if I don’t think about my sobriety or work on it even just a little bit, I fall into negative thinking and I get urges to drink. Even if I don’t have that drink, it still causes me great emotional discomfort.

After a year of sobriety, I began a new relationship with a woman who was outside of my recovery group. She doesn’t drink and has never tried hard drugs. I did everything differently in this relationship. We took it slow. I told her exactly what I had been through. I didn’t sugarcoat anything.

My attitude and the way I conducted myself showed her that I was doing well in my recovery, and I wasn’t just saying the right things. I was actively doing them.

You never want to be in a situation where you have to convince someone to be with you, fingers crossed. I didn’t want to put anyone in that position.

Changing Your Attitude In Relationships

I’m not going to lie, being in a non-toxic relationship was a learning curve. It wasn’t easy at first, and I probably wasn’t the best person to be around. However, my new partner could see my potential. She saw that I was making an effort. With a bit of work and constant communication, we were able to figure it out and come to an understanding.

If you find the right person, they will stand with you as long as they see that you are trying to make things work. A relationship is not about one person.

I was so used to making things about me or trying to put things on the other person. It used to make me feel good to make my partner feel bad about something. That says a lot about addiction.

It Isn’t Always Addiction’s Fault

I also don’t want to blame all of my behavior on my past substance abuse. I notice that some people tend to do that, and it’s not entirely productive. We have to take ownership of the hurt that we cause and some of the thought patterns we fall into.

Yes, addiction can make you do and say things you don’t mean, but I needed to work on my mental health just as much as my addiction issues.

Taking personal responsibility is a huge part of recovery. You have to own what you’ve done. You don’t have to dwell on it, but you do have to try to do better moving forward.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve blamed my behavior solely on my addiction. It might have had something to do with it, but ultimately I am the one that is responsible for my behavior.

Recognize When Old Patterns Occur

Because sobriety is something you have to actively work on, in the early stages and really all the time, you need to be aware of when old patterns occur. If I fall into a negative mindset, I can feel myself falling back into my old way of thinking.

Because of my time at Icarus Behavioral Health, I have developed the necessary tools to work my way through these thoughts.

I don’t act impulsively. I try very hard to think before I speak, and I consider the effect that my words and actions might have. I have been able to develop a good amount of self-awareness, and I don’t want to ever pass on my bad mood to somebody else.

When I was struggling through all of my codependent relationships, the idea of working on myself was out of the question. It was always someone else’s fault. It was never something I needed to change or work on. Now that I am clean, I understand the power of self-work.

Things To Consider When Dating In Recovery

To sum things up from my own experience, if you want to try and start dating in early recovery, know the risks. Be mindful of the underlying issues that got you to where you are. If you are prepared to work on your own issues, you might be able to navigate a new relationship.

What it all comes down to is if you are comfortable with yourself, comfortable with being alone, then you might be able to invite a new person into your life and join the dating world.

But this doesn’t happen often in the first year of recovery from an addictive behavior.

Reach Out to Icarus New Mexico for a Firm Foundation in Sobriety

Icarus Behavioral Health helped me change the way that I interact with others. They helped me learn a lot more about myself, and why so many of my past relationships ended in failure.

Seeking professional help is the first step. If you have achieved sobriety, you’ve already done something incredible that many others don’t achieve.

If you think you are ready to date and involve someone else in your personal life, be aware of negative signs. Approach every conversation and interaction in a healthy way. Communicate. Don’t let bad feelings fester. If you can talk it out and have a mutual understanding and respect, you might be able to make it work.

And if you’re still thinking about getting clean and sober, stop thinking and start taking action!

Reach out to Icarus and get more information on their programs today, I know its a call I’m glad I made.