Writing a Letter to My Alcoholic Daughter

My Own Story and Guidance for Others in the Same Situation

My own personal experience with alcoholism led me to dread the effect it might have on my children. And although my two sons dodged the ‘drinking bullet,’ alcohol nearly destroyed our daughter’s life.

Although I knew it on an intellectual level before, our ordeal shook me to my core and reminded me that one of the saddest aspects of substance abuse is the effect that it has on families. I mean, it can be hard to find peace when you watch someone you love drain their life away because of a drug or alcohol addiction.

When alcohol addiction runs in the family, it can be very tricky to navigate, even if you are in recovery you have to be extra careful with how you discuss the issue. This is where writing a letter to my alcoholic daughter was particularly helpful.

I have already hinted at the fact that drug abuse is prevalent in my family. I was an alcoholic for around ten years. When I had children, I got clean and made my family my main priority. Unfortunately, our daughter ended up having these demons as well. Because of our hard work as a family, and the work of Icarus in New Mexico, we were able to save her from further destruction or even an early death.

When A Loved One Suffers From Drug Or Alcohol Addiction

Having an addicted family member is tough, but having an addicted child is absolutely crushing. You do everything you can to set your children up for success, and it’s extremely sad to see them go down the wrong path. You have to be careful with how you react. You don’t want to say the wrong thing and drive them further and further into their addiction.

Seeking treatment is difficult. When you’re trying to convince someone else to seek treatment, it’s not ultimately up to you whether or not they do it. With a lot of love and some help from Icarus In New Mexico, we were able to get her back. It all started with our dear daughter letter, which I will share with you as an example of what you might come up with.

Writing A Letter To Your Addicted Child

A lot of parents going through what I’ve gone through choose to write their children recovery letters. A recovery letter is a great way to show your children that you love them while also encouraging them to seek treatment for their addiction. It can be hard to know how to frame your words, but there are ways to do it without coming off angry or accusatory.

Drugs and alcohol control your life in a way that makes it hard for others to get through to you. By writing a personal letter and reminding the person how much you care, you might be able to break through that fog. It’s hard to know what words might penetrate, and sometimes you have to fail before you can succeed.

Although the letter I wrote to my daughter was deeply personal, I am willing to share it in an attempt to encourage others to write their own letters. The number one thing I would stress is to not be accusatory or judgmental. No one likes being talked down to. If you approach your letter with love and hope, it just might work. This is my letter.

Dear Daughter: An Open Letter

To my dearest daughter. I am proud to be your father every day. I know that relationships in the family have gotten strained, but I want you to know that even though bad luck has stricken our family, I do not think any less of you. I know that you are capable of great things. I can tell you for a fact that getting help for my substance use disorder was the best decision I ever made.

I have seen what drugs and alcohol have done to you, specifically your alcohol use. I’ve seen the light dim in your eyes and your enthusiasm dwindle. You were always so open and happy-go-lucky. These days, you seem angry at the world and ready to check out. This hurts me deeply, but I know you have it in you to turn it around because I know what kind of person you are.

Your Substance Abuse Has Changed You

Your life is your own, but what has happened to you is the same thing that happened to me. Before I ever sought treatment, I exhibited the same emotions you have been exhibiting. I don’t understand exactly what you are experiencing, because you are your own person. I can’t say I had the same experience, but alcoholics all end up having a lot in common.

Your mother and I see the pain you are going through, and it is hard for us to witness. We love you to death and are willing to help you in your recovery journey. With that being said, we need to set boundaries and protect the rest of the family. If you allow your alcoholism to get worse, we will not allow you to live in our home. This is to show you that there are consequences for your actions.

Addiction Recovery Is There When You Are Ready

It is not up to me to decide when or if you will get clean. I feel sick that I can’t cure your addiction myself, but I understand that isn’t how addiction works. I have gone through recovery, and it is a very personal process. This open letter is not to force you to get help, it’s simply to let you know that there are solutions.

My words may not be enough, but you have all my love and all my support should you choose to seek treatment. Should you try to get help, I promise that I will not hound you and be nosey about it. I know enough about recovery to know that no recovering addict wants someone breathing down their neck. You can talk to me about it if you wish, but I don’t expect you to tell me everything. Your business is your own.

Your Addiction Will Consume You

You can listen to my advice or not. I don’t assume to know everything. What I do know, is addiction always wins. There is no easy path to sobriety, but the longer you slide into alcohol abuse, the harder it will be to get out. Your physical and mental health will suffer greatly. You will become a shell of a person and end up with no one by your side. I’ve seen it happen many times before.

I’ve seen the destruction of alcoholism first-hand. My parents had issues with alcohol as you know. It killed your grandfather as a result of an auto accident, and it killed your grandmother slowly as a result of liver disease. I had to watch this happen in real time, and it led me to my own struggles. I bottled up all that pain and tried to drown it with alcohol, which led to a lot of personal problems.

Don’t Be Afraid To Admit Weakness

I never wanted to admit I had a problem when I was drinking. I can see that happening with you as well. No one is perfect. We don’t expect you to be perfect all the time. Parents put a lot of pressure on their kids to do the right thing. If we have pressured you too much and put too many expectations on you, I apologize for that.

Your happiness is important to all of us. I hope that you will be receptive to this letter. Just know that I am not forcing you to do anything. This is just to tell you that we see how you are struggling, and it hurts to witness. Your behavior has become erratic enough that we had to do something. We pray that you accept help, but will leave that in your hands. Sincerely, your Loving Father.

When A Loved One Accepts Help

Our daughter was initially annoyed with me for writing this letter, but after some soul-searching, she understood where I was coming from. It took a few more weeks, but ultimately she decided to seek help at Icarus in New Mexico. I stuck to my word and didn’t micromanage her. Through her experience in treatment and support groups, we are now slowly getting back the cheerful daughter that we were so sorely missing.

As parents, we all want to do what is best for our children. Once they reach a certain age, the decision-making isn’t up to us anymore. She is responsible for her own life. All I can do as a former addict myself is tell her what my experience was. We occasionally discuss our recovery together, but we don’t pry. If she isn’t in the mood to talk about it, I leave it at that.

Writing a Letter to My Alcoholic Daughter: The Words We Use Matter

There is a right way and a wrong way to talk about addiction. The longer the clean time you achieve, the better you get at discussing a sensitive topic such as this. I learned by listening to the other people around me. After leaving a support group, I always walked away with some kind of insight into myself. This led me to begin speaking at these meetings and trying to help others.

I see this happening now with my daughter. I can see her becoming more self-aware and cautious. I see her being more engaged. When she talks about her addiction, she is matter-of-fact. It’s an uncomfortable topic, but she doesn’t get uncomfortable discussing it. She is so good at admitting her faults now and understanding what she needs to do to avoid slipping up.

Be The Parent That You Would Want To Have

You can’t point the finger unless you are willing to point it back at yourself. Everybody in a support group has baggage. We all know that we’ve made bad decisions, and the whole point of these gatherings is to make sense of them in order to move forward. Simply put, addiction changes your behavior and makes you act in ways that you normally wouldn’t.

Reaching Out for Support is Easier With Clear Communication

Although addiction runs in the family, I am confident that we have the tools to combat it. I have Icarus in New Mexico to thank for helping me get my daughter back. My wife told me recently that I played a big role in saving our daughter’s life. I would do it all over again. I’m no hero, just someone with the personal experience to help others. If anything I’ve said or done can help someone, that makes the whole journey worth it for me.

If any of this has struck home for you and your family, there is a path back from the edge, even if your loved one is close to the brink. Reach out to the people at Icarus and see what they can do to help, I know that single call helped bring my daughter back to the person I once knew and changed our lives.